Beijing Celtic were taking on Too Sexy, the worst named club in the history of the game. The sun was shining, the pollution was moderate, and B*Witched were blaring on the speakers, it was all set up to be a glorious St. Patrick’s Day weekend for the Beijing Celtics (despite the official return of Keiron Nolan.)
With the Division 1 team playing first, they had the luxury of picking a fresh starting XI. The Bhoys dominated the opening exchanges and played attractive football. Celtic took the lead through a finely-placed, cross-goal shot from Timmy Rea. While Timmy often has trouble finding his way home on a Saturday he definitely didn’t have any issue finding the back of the net. The opening play and the goal were the building blocks of success that were coming together to look like a Daan Rooskin jacket.
Unfortunately the lead didn’t last long and The Hoops were pegged back within a few minutes. A deep free kick for Too Sexy looped into the box finding their striker who had enough time to take a number of touches before beating Matthew “I send stickers of myself masturbating to my boss” Martin. The Celtics continued to work hard to regain the lead as Brendan “she was wearing a big coat” Fennell fired a shot just wide on the half-volley.
The poor luck continued as we lost two defensive stalwarts. Ian Lahiffe suffered a near fatal injury - a dead leg - and Quentin ran out of fortune as they required to be substituted. Posh Josh Brown was moved into a number of positions, as I’m sure the Russian girls of China could testify.
The second half became futile as we conceded further. Celtics allowed a goal in comical fashion as Mathew Martin came off his line only to be lobbed. Although a difficult finish for the Too Sexy striker, it was made easier as Martin was as out of position as Sean McSheffrey at a Joker’s Belief concert.
Celtic conceded for the final time as the defence seemed as confused as a man born in Manchester but choosing to support Liverpool. A clash of players resulted in another injury as Zachary “perverted leerer” Santosuosso made way for Marcos “bring the” Noiz.
The final moments of the game only worsened as a red card was shown to the usually level-headed Franky Carter. The card was shown for a verbal exchange which, one would imagine, would have only complimented the referee’s ability to see.
The team has shown great courage, desire, and determination in recent weeks. However, it’s evident that the team is missing a goalscorer who has the ability to put it away like Finn Todd on a night out in Melbourne. As Gavin Aherne would say “every cloud has its day,”unfortunately it wasn’t to be for the Celtics.